I realise it's a bit lameo to make a whole post around other people's poems / lyrics / etal in your diary, but whatever. Richard Brautigan is my latest obsession & i want everyone to know about it.

Do you think of me
as often
as I think
of you?

---------------------

If you will die for me,
I will die for you
and our graves will be like two lovers washing
their clothes together
in a laundromat
If you will bring the soap
I will bring the bleach.

Dr Braun, I wish I wrote those poems for you xx

disposition: breathing, like, omigod!

1. http://www.cheepandchick.com/ is a great find. I've currently got searches out for Pucci kaftan for less than $150AUD (ha!) & one of the completely sold out, last season Alice McCall ♥ belts in navy blue? Please please please.
2. Third row from the front at the Forum II for Bonnie ‘Prince’ Billy in February – this is my Christmas present for the boy, I hope he doesn’t buy tickets for himself in the meantime. Not sure what else to get him, he's so difficult to buy for. Total elitist snob.
3. If you’ve tried to phone me in the last two weeks I left my phone charger in Sydney, not sure when it’s coming back. Nice to be out of reach temporarily.
4. I wish I went all out and bought a Christmas tree instead of comprising/copping out with Christmas lilies. Even though there’s only two of us at home, I’m a sentimental bastard.
5. I got a second job at a florist in South Yarra to work my way through the credit card fiasco. Watering plants, rearranging flowers & not using a computer all day makes me a nice girl to be around.
6. When do first round offers for uni placements in 2006 happen?
7. I am a better cook than I thought.
8. Can anyone show me in person how to make paper cranes? I get half way, then become completely confused.
9. Enzo Staiola is the best child in a film, like, ever. Watch 'Ladri di Biciclette' for him alone.

disposition: please do some work

Last night I dreamt I was in ‘Ghosts of the Civil Dead’, except it wasn’t totally ‘Ghosts….’ – the prison was set outside at nighttime, and there was a vampire woman who was trying to bust me out, unsuccessfully. I have to stop going to sleep wearing nicotine patches, it’s no good. Although, any dream with Nick Cave is usually nice, I have Nick dreams fairly often. Dork.

Missed out on seeing the boy’s friends perform at the burlesque dance-off-esque thing on Friday, which I was actually really looking forward to. Notwithstanding he had reserved tickets, the line was ridiculous, making it impossible to see the show …instead we opted for the newly revamped Spanish club. It’s weird, the last time I was there Eurovision was on in the background, we shared the space with several old men and families eating dinner – this time it was filled with coolsie kids and chain-smoking slappers – still good tho, it’s nice to have a new venue to see bands at.

Rest of the weekend was spent drinking too much, the 21st was lurrvely (expect pictures of me unsuccessfully working my pseudo-drag queen get-up), as was seeing hanging out with Ben & Raq in the CDB on Sunday, drinking all day; the welcoming prelude to fast approaching summer holidays, uh-huh.

Might be going to an exhibition tonight if I can get out of work in time to meet Stuart. I think I’m finally coming out of hibernation, could do with more sleep but would rather be out!

Finally, is there a valid reason virginthreads won’t ship to Australia? I really need these shoes. Yes, I could make them myself, but I’d rather purchase ready-made shoes, especially at sale price! I’m trying not to be teary, but wish I could think of someone in the U.S who could post them to me!

disposition: shoe love

I knew when I heard the crunchy sound I didn’t want to look down. I was wearing my Perspex necklace, the one with love heart, padlock and key charms cut out in red – it was too chunky for my neck and seemed to work hanging from my pocket.
Unfortunately I squirm excessively in my seat all day while at work, and I managed to snap the key part right in half by squashing it between my thigh and the desk.
I bought it in at the Surry Hills market in Sydney about a month ago, and paid way too much – so technically it’s irreplaceable in my mind.
Anyhow, I can glue it back together I suppose, but it’s just frustrating. I have about 7 pearl necklaces, all of which need to be restrung, bar one vintage set that belonged to my great-aunt. The shell ring I bought in Mexico snapped in half, and 3 of the pearls in my Chanel earrings I bought in June have dropped out, never to be seen again. Am I not meant to wear jewellery, or am I just too careless?

Plenty of work to do, but I’m up for it, if only to finish it and be able to bail A.S.A.P. Today on my lunch break I am going to get a personal loan, to buy a computer for school next year and to consolidate my credit card debt. That’s if I get accepted for school, and the bank approves my application.
After that I’ll be eating chocolate waffles and tea for lunch to celebrate the bank giving me the cash, then hopefully finishing work at a reasonable hour. Tonight the boy’s friends are doing a burlesque performance at first floor, should be fun, provided I’m not too sleepy/hanging out for cigarettes. It’s been 5 days now – would absolutely love to smoke, but it’s nice to feel in control of at least one aspect of my life.
Tomorrow night is Zina’s 21st. I still don’t have an outfit ready, but will try to come up with something tomorrow, with the $5 or so I have left after paying bills. Otherwise, I’ll pull something together haphazardly; hot pants & Pucci boots might make an appearance.
Want to be at home making scarves, not talking about ads. Whatever.

disposition: dissapointment plus

Dear Melisa,
Here is your horoscope
for Thursday, November 3:

Although it may not seem so now, within a day or so you'll be feeling peppy, upbeat and amazingly cheerful -- and well you should. Life is good and getting better all the time, as recent events have surely proved.

should i be ashamed of the fact i find solace and safety in star-signs & fortune cookies? bring on 2006.

i hate being broke & superficial.

disposition: bored

so while drinking at the empress for my boyfriend's birthday on thursday, his friends across the table from me were discussing blogs, how someone they knew had a blog and they are a total uber-geek, have such a 'full life' as to write about to take the time to write about their life, particulary their shopping experiences, online. given i'm guilty of both those things, i guess that makes me totally redundant. sarcasm aside, it was a good night, lots of his friends are really lovely inspiring people, i'm often in awe of how he has surrounded himself with so many beautiful friends.

the second diamanda concert was amazing, although i am pissed i missed out on a q and a session that took place last sunday - i didn't hear about it until the following monday. i bought the boy tickets for the sold out philip glass show on wednesday for his birthday, so another gig to look forward to. i hope he enjoys.

today has been wasted, zina and michelle were here this morning after crashing here last night. that was great, but after they left i as alone and couldn't get motivated to anything. it was such a beautiful day, i wanted to be out in the sun. walked to dixons to hock some cds - i'm so broke it's devastating. it would be okay if i were only broke and not 11k in debt, but far from becoming a crack dealer or a hooker i can't seem to find any way to dig myself out of the hole, apart from not leaving the house for 5 years except to go to work.

after realising i'm short on rent and have about $20 until wednesday i did what any sane person would do - spent $13 on blueberry pancakes for lunch. i think i'm missing some essential logical part of my brain. went home to clean up, get my shit together and go to the laundromat, but instead laid down on my bed and woke up around 6pm. the boy is at a pub around the corner, he's been hanging out with friends all day. the house is still messy and i still have no clean underwear. i don't think the cliche 'learn from your mistakes' is entirely true, because i willingly repeat the same mistakes every day.

tommorrow will be great though. i'm going to wake early, go into work for a few hours so there is not so much pressure through the week, then tim is picking me up and he is going to buy me lunch. i'm really looking forward to having an actual conversation with him - went to his gig last night but was impossible to talk.

tonight i think i will down a few glasses of some fruity alcohol in an attempt to trick myself into thinking cleaning is fun. or i might just go out and spend my last few cents on beer. hmmm.

It’s fragile, but I love it. Despite this, I still can’t shake the feeling of not being enough for you…that this arrangement is simply a guise, a means to an end, and who knows when that end will be?

Rid myself of these feelings, all I want is to be happy with you – and I am, but often it’s enveloped in a melancholy bought about by my own insecurities. Sometimes when we have sex I find myself wondering if you are thinking about anyone else. This takes away from how beautiful things could really be – I’m too concerned with what’s going on in your head to be able to engage in what’s actually taking place.
I wish you were in love with me. You show me love but is it just a state of limerance? I’m afraid to get comfortable because I don’t want to be displaced. I’m afraid to be myself in case you don’t like who that is. The irony is that when I first met you I was always myself, because I didn’t care what you thought, I had nothing to lose. Now I’m too nervous to speak, in case you think I’m just a foolish little girl. I find saying myself dumb things, almost on purpose, to show you I’m right, that this is too simple for you. I want to show you that I am multi-dimensional, layered, but you’ve seen it all before, in others. I doubt there is anything new for you, nothing I can share, that you haven’t experienced before, but of a higher quality.

I know I am in the right place, and that these issues go way back – it’s just unfortunate they’ve manifested in this way…and I can’t express it to you, not only because it’s monotonous, but because of the further doubt planted in your head each time. This is only hard because I care about you, deeply.

Can’t wait to escape to the desert with you. It feels safe when we are secluded from the rest of the world. ♥ ♥

disposition: drained

oh vince, can we please please please be friends? this weekend, i think i'll curl up next to the fireplace & watch every movie i can find with you in it. y'know, cos it's cold & stuff.

nothing really to say, except i'm dying slowly of boredom at work. tonight is benjy's birthday soiree (happy birthday!), so i might visit my parents while i'm around the area. the boy is going to ghetto fabulous & suggested i join him, but i doubt i'll make it out again. best news is that timba is coming to visit tommorrow! can't wait!

disposition: bored

still so seedy. birthday was lovely, low-key but some definite highlights.

went out for pancake breakfast with the boy, he gave me these great pink faux czechoslovakian pearls with a diamante clasp, as well as some heart shaped chocolate, pink tulips and 'cold roses'. score! just in time for me to learn all the songs before the show.
day went downhill once I was on my way to work. ate lunch by myself, then managed to snap one of the straps on my 1960s dior satin shoes - le sigh. shared chocolate cake with my colleagues, then returned home to an empty house. eventually the rest of the crew turned up at my place, by that stage i was on my way to solid inebriation. dinner at colmao flamenco, drank too much sangria, resulted in me becoming overly emo & teary when arriving home. tears aside, there were plenty of lovely presents & people - feel a photo post coming on!
this morning i didn't wake up for work until 11am. totally missed out on the alice mccall sale (it's on tomorrow but there's no chance of finding any heart belts left), then realised my boyfriend's car (which i drive 90% of the time) had been broken into overnight. the person only stole some change, but ripped one of the compartments out & messed everything up. i'm glad they didn't realise that i had a folded credit card receipt with all my card details on it! i was a little creeped out driving to work today thinking about someone inside the car, touching everything. ick.

tonight is rock & rock mural experiment thing at the foundry, then i'm going to 'panic' at the rochester. has the potential to become a good weekend. the boy's friends are coming to stay over sunday+, i'm going to check out the ready made market at fed square on sunday, might see a movie, might bake some sweet stuff. wish we had the internet at home!

disposition: fluids please NOW okay?
my melody: ryan adams in my head

- 6 more hours until i see the boy
- 2 more sleeps until my birthday
- 21 more sleeps until ryan adams
- 23 more sleeps until the desert?
- 47 more sleeps until mexico

proper update to come shortly xx

disposition: okay

cannot wait to go home & see my yummy boyfriend ♥ he left one of his cardigans in the car - each day on my lunch break i go out to the car, eat my lunch & put the cardigan on so i can smell him when he's not around. is that kinda creepy? i'm a dork.

the fact that he even wears cardigans is totally cute, IMO. other cutesy related boyfriend facts include (but not limited to):

* he makes me apple juice in the morning
* he draws love hearts on the bathrooom window when it's all steamy from the shower when i'm not around, but they are always still there when i wake up
* he cooks for me & encourages me to try other foods
* he doesn't know who the olsen twins are or what the o.c is
* he has these little particulary fuzzy bits of hair above his ears
* he has the softest, most adorable stomach i've ever seen
* actually, his whole body is super hot
* he has really cool clothes
* he picks flowers and leaves them around the house
* once we were walking through a foresty type area & he suggested that i try and walk around this certain branch, rather than straight thru, so i wouldn't ruin a spider's web

there's more but i don't think i need to fill up your friends page with boyfriend praise. eek. i still feel all nervous in my tummy when i'm around him, all shivery & tight in my chest. love that feeling!

disposition: smitten

So, what’s tricks? I’ve been avoiding an update ‘cos lately I’ve been so spazzy-freaked-out-emotional & superbusy.

I’ve moved out of my parents place and into a pad with the not-so-new boy – 12 Charles Street, Carlton, VIC for anyone wishing to snail-mail me or drop by for a visit (I would love it if you did!).
It’s all happened relatively quickly, I mean it’s not yet been 3 months, but hey. It’s going to be sweet, I think. The place is cute & cozy, and once I get off my little trip of ‘what the fuck is going on’ it will be even better. I wish I could shake this whole paranoia thing, I guess I’m just adjusting to all the weird stuff going on around me.

So, I have Ryan Adams tix in my possession…nice one tiger. Can’t wait! Expect more updates from me soon…I’m on a mission to finally get my shit together (I must say that around 738 times a year, seriously).

disposition: tired

"RYAN ADAMS & THE CARDINALS TO PERFORM IN SYDNEY & MELBOURNE
So you thought we'd forgotten about all you Ryan Adams fans? Never fear, because here is the tour announcement you've all been waiting for! Ryan Adams & The Cardinals will indeed be performing two shows in addition to their appearance at Splendour. The details are Sydney's Enmore Theatre on July 26 and Melbourne's The Palace on July 27. There is absolutely only room for one show per city, so make sure you get in quick when tickets go on sale on Friday 10th June! More information will be posted shortly so watch this space".

disposition: omigod like totally excited

( at mikey's demand: )

i'm tired. i hate it when my phone doesn't ring, and when my inbox is almost empty. it makes me nervous. i'm not clingy, much.

i read on a message board that someone may be supporting cat power at NSC in return for supporting him. please god, let it be a rumour! tickets are sold out and i don't have one.

i need my bed too much to make this work right now. sleep tight, or something?

disposition: zzzzz

+;

weekend
sleepovers
interstate mini-trips in the works
tori amos last night
shopping rendezvous with sister planned for the weekend
coping with almost hangovers every day of the week
sick days
long phonecalls
almost home, by car instead of train

-;

being at work at 7pm on a friday
being a girl & waiting for girl-things, a week late and still no sight
tori not playing precious things, blood roses, me & a gun, cornflake girl, caught a lite sneeze, etcetera...
debt debt debt
work overload
hotmail messing up
pointless lj posts to fill in the breaks

have a drink for me while i'm stuck here! xxx

disposition: anxious

like, i am so bored & lazy right now i can only work with lists. excuse the twee hearts everywhere, i can't help it, i'm happy!! nice things are:

♥ burberry gumboots
♥ pseudo-boyfriend allowing me to drop the 'pseudo' when refering to him in conversation with others
♥ happy parents
♥ picnic rendezvous with ants & old friends
♥ longtalks&sleepover, under the covers with super-amazing friend who totally gets it
♥ not having to catch public transport temporarily
♥ 'everything goes' screening as part of the st kilda film festival
♥ being in bed
♥ being in bed with someone else
♥ three more sleeps until tori
♥ ten more sleeps until cat power & nick cave
♥ 19 more sleeps until bro's engagement
♥ lovely lovely emails from ex-boyf who totally gets it now
♥ lovely lovely emails in general
♥ old tapes of music you had forgotten about
♥ fruit for breakfast
♥ postcards & letters
♥ clean air / flowers / etc
♥ new projects in my head
♥ black & white film
♥ books books books
♥ pearl abundance
♥ peppermint tea

everything is making sense?

disposition: excited

so things are weird at the moment. after receiving a terrible mark on my second assignment, i decided that i am going to drop out of my course completely. i had already reached this decision in my head, but getting bad results kinda nailed it for me. so right now i am meant to be in class, but instead i've bailed for the library where i can hide out until my ride is here. i am such a fucking idiot sometimes, i swear. my mind was already made up, but of course i live in denial about it for as long as possible, hoping things will get better or just disappear completely.

in other news, michelle is totally pissed off with me - will it ever end? one day i'll figure out how to be a half-decent friend - i hope. i told tim about pseudo-boyfriend last night and he freaked out at me and now won't answer my calls. my parents are going to be super angry when they find out i'm leaving school again. about the only thing in my life that runs like clockwork is work, and it is the main source of negativity, because it is so boring and repetitive. fuck, why can't i be on the plane to mexico already? what can't it be next year already? i'm trying not to go into hibernation mode but it's tricky when things keep messing up and i only have myself to blame.

excuse me while i go hide in a public cubicle, curl into the fetal position in a ball of self-obsessed guilt and get all teary for a moment.

dear mr whippy,

thanks so much for coming down my street today & letting me having gelati when i've hit the 4pm slum at work. in future, could you please visit my office block every day around 1 o'clock so i can eat icecream for lunch? that would be really great.

thanks again. love your work.

melisa xx

disposition: bored